Weddings and games

I attended a wedding two nights ago. I decided to go. I might meet some people with whom I would be able to chill with over the next few days I am in Delhi.

Well it turned out to be a very strange and funny experience. All the guys my age sat at one table and all the girls my age sat two tables away. Throughout the night, they were looking over at us and giggling and we were looking over at them and giggling. And nothing ever happened. A lotta talk happened "I'm gonna go there and ask her to dance." but then they'd start giggling and it became "I'm not gonna go there and ask her to dance." Was a very funny experience.

Later when the guys and girls had finally mixed we were sitting in a circle just takling when some genius decided to play this game where one person asks a question and everyone has to answer. Its a no holds barred game so anything goes. So one of the questions was: "If you and your friend were driving a two seater car and you see an old women who was dying and the girl of your dreams on the road side, what will you do. Most people said something like i'll stay with the girl and make my friend take the old lady to the hospital to save her. Then it was my turn and I was thinking of something funny to say when:

Rusty: ummm ... now lets see.
Cousin 3 (suddenly jumps all excited): I KNOW I KNOW. You'll make the hot girl take the lady to the hospital and you'll stay with your friend because you're gay.
Rusty (embarrassed and looks down)

Needless to say, I didn't manage to find any people to hang out with

Delhi Traffic Association

Indians want to use everything as much as they possibly can. Now this is a great thing to do in most cases. But in the case of driving I would not advise it.

In India, traffic is a huge problem. And its greatly because of this mentality that they want to use every square inch of the road as humanely possible. On a three lane road, cars somehow create two more lanes and make it a 5 lane road. When we stop at a traffic light, I am not able to even open my door because the car next to us is so cramped up. If all the cars were white and you are looking down at the traffic from a helicopter all you will see is one massive white box in front of the traffic light.

Anyway, the Delhi Traffic Association is doing their part to improve the traffic. In fact, from the International Airport in Delhi to where I live, traffic going in the same direction has been seperated by a divider. The left two lanes for buses and trucks and right two for cars. Needless to say, traffic had improved. Then suddenly it got very terrible. Now I was baffled, why would traffic suddenly be so bad? When I found out why, I was baffled at the Delhi Traffic Association. These geniuses had put a bus stop on the right side road. So all buses who were moving along fine now had to cut through and opening in the divider into the cars traffic and move to the extreme right side to reach the bus stop. They then had to cut back to another opening in the divider and go back into their side of the road.

Baffling. Just baffling

Hormones

My mother, her cousin and her uncle were having this discussion:

Mother: Yeah my leg is very bad. The doctor says I could need a surgery.
Cousin: Don't get a surgery. The success rate isn't that great. Uncle took all sorts of medicines and now he's fine.
Mother: Uncle, what injury did you have?
Uncle: Osteopeorosis. They treated it with some herbal ayurvedic medicines and now its fine.
Cousin: Yes. But uncle has always been so fit and this injury was so sudden it was strange.
Mother: Must be hormonal.
Rusty: "Men don't have hormonal changes when they're old ........"
Mother: Maybe uncle's not a man.
Uncle: ????

A trip to the Bazaar

My grandad is the worst person a shopkeeper would want in his shop. I went with him, my mom and her sister to the local bazaar where they sell all sorts of things. Here's what happened:

The first shop we went to was a utensil crafts shop where one ang moh was buying a lot of stuff. My grandad holds one bowl up and he's like:
Grandad: Do you know where this was made Suren?
Suren: Nope
Grandad: It was made in Kashmir, you can make out by looking at the design and the type of material.
Suren: Thats cool.
Grandad: But this finishing is not done so well. It will break quite easily within a few months.
Ang Moh guy leaves the shop without buying anything after hearing my grandad.

Later we entered a carpet shop and my grandad starts talking to the person next to him.
Grandad: This carpet is not done properly wowen ... just look at the edges. The design and colour aren't that great either. I'm not too impressed about this carpet. What do you think?
Person standing next to him: I made these carpets.
Grandad: You still haven't told me what you think of the carpets.
Person: I think they're nice.
Grandad: Maybe you should stop making carpets then.

And to another shop:
Grandad: This shirt looks very nice.
Shopkeeper: Thanks
Grandad: How much does it cost?
Shopkeeper: 150 rupees.
Grandad: Is that a good price or will i have to bargain?
Shopkeeper: You'll have to bargain.
Rusty: "........wtf?"

Note to Self - 2

Remember to find out where you are going before you go.

This afternoon I had to pass some stuff to one of the aunties and when i reached what i thought was her place i found i had entered a day care home. So i had to go back home and find out the proper adress and then go back. Jeez ... "all of the bones in my body are hurting"

Where are your bones?

My grandmom had walked more today than she normally does. So later after dinner, my grandad and grandmom were sitting and chilling with me when ...

Grandmom: Oh i'm so tired.
Rusty: Yeah ... you walked a lot today.
Grandad: Its good you're getting out of the house more.
Grandmom: Every bone in my body hurts.
Rusty: So you have bones outside your body too? ....
Grandad: Bones can't burst.
Rusty: ..... what?

Anyway it turned out my grandad misheard. He's a bit hard of hearing. He heard burst instead of hurt. Strange things are happening here.

Think fast

For some reason I'm having this memory of a game my father used to play with me and my brother to test our reflexes and our situational awareness.

Sometimes when we were walking into the room with two glasses of water in our hands for our parents, my dad would throw a small pillow to see our reactions. Whether we drop the class and catch the pillow or ignore the pillow and keep the glasses safe. The other scenario was that he would throw something valuable at us while we were not holding anything valuable and he would see if we would catch the valuable and breakable thing or hold onto the invaluable t-shirt or whatever we were holding. I found it quite an interesting way to test our reflexes.

Regardless, after the first time i dropped the glass, I never failed to do exactly what was expected of me.

I'm cold

Today I was to have yet another family dinner with yet another part of my family.

I, as always was looking for a way to annoy or irritate, so I against the commands of my family decided not to wear warm clothes as it is less than 10 degress. I thought that would be enough for them to look at me in disgust and leave me alone. How wrong I was. So I had to get dressed by undressing my warm clothes and I waited for an hour for the guests to arrive. All this while I'm listening to the whining of everyone telling me how I will freeze and die of cold and so on.

So after one hour of waiting the phone rings. Apparently, the family that was supposed to come for dinner can't because the daughter is sick. For a family that has 3 maids, I find this quite ridiculous. Maybe they decided that quarantining the whole family would make the daughter alright. I should have asked them if they were holding the phone with a glove when they called. We might catch the sickness through the phone line for all you know.

Jeez ... i know they're out to get me. They probably have camera's in our house and they're sitting huddled over the screen laughing at me freezing in my non warm clothed attire. Well then ... I can't wait until they do show up. I'm going to personally put myself in charge of the food serving. It'll be funny when the entire family comes down with diarrhea. Then they have a reason to stay at home together.

You're missing out

This afternoon I was offered an Indian Delicacy by one of my Aunts who was here for one of our family meals that we have every once in a while.

Aunt: Try it suren, Its really good.
Suren: No thanks, I won't like it.
Aunt: How do you know that?
Suren: I don't like the smell.
Aunt: You don't know what you're missing out.
Suren: I'm not missing out on anything.
Aunt: Yes you are.
Suren: No i'm not. If I don't know what it is i'm supposed to miss out on, how can i miss out on it? And if I try it, then I won't be able to miss out on it because I have tried it. So in all fairness, I can never be missing out on it.
Aunt: (thinks of comeback)............You're still very cheeky.

"Enjoy your day"

So yesterday this family was over for dinner. When we were finished and everyone was leaving, the man of the family (my uncle) gave each person a goodbye wishing.

To my grandparents: Thank you and long life.

To my mom: You will have a long life.

To the servant: Work hard and you will have a long life.

To me: Enjoy your day.

I was like ... "...... wth?" He doesn't even tell me i'll have a enjoyable day. He just says enjoy it. What if its a terrible day? Must I still enjoy it? And what about all the other days in my life. Am i not going to have a long life? Thats not fair. Blah ... strange person he is. The only conclusion i can come to is that he got mixed up between me and the servant. Yep ... that seems only logical.

Or maybe he ran out of nice goodbye wishing for everyone and I was just unlucky.

Or maybe he doesn't give a shit about me. Shit. Well i don't give a shit about him either.

The Indian Boys in my family

So over the past two days, I have been to three family meals with three different sets of relatives of mine and have encountered 3 different Indian Boys from my family. Now each of them are around my age and have lived in India their entire life.

This is what happens at these meals. We meet, enter the living room and say hi. I'm introduced to people i haven't met for 10 years and yet I have to say I remember meeting them so that they don't feel upset only for them to not remember meeting me and make me upset. Then we are all brought drinks (non - alcoholic ofcourse) and sit while everyone asks the kids one by one where they are studying and what they are studying. Then once that is done they say "why don't you kids go to the other room and watch t.v. or play board games" as if we're 5 year old kids. So we go to the other room where we're forced to make conversation.

Now let me tell you about each conversation i had with these 3 guys:

Cousin 1: So how many girlfriends do you have?
Rusty: Umm ... i had one but we broke up recently.
Cousin 1: Oh ok ... i have 3 (grins stupidly).
Rusty: Good for you.

I went home that night wondering how the hell can anyone have 3 girlfriends. So i decided the next time i get a chance to ask I will. Luck came my way the next day.

Cousin 2: Hows the females like in Singapore?
Rusty: They're there.
Cousin 2: You don't have girlfriends?
Rusty: Define girlfriends.
Cousin 2: Umm ... i guess a girl with whom you have romantic relationships with.
Rusty: Ok ... then i had one but we recently broke up. Cousin 1 told me he had 3 yesterday. How the hell can you have more than one girlfriend? Strange person.
Cousin 2: Umm ... i have 4 girlfriends.
Rusty: Define romantic relationships.
Cousin 2: Like you know ... kissing, holding hands and the sort.
Rusty: How the hell is that possible?
Cousin 2: What do you mean?
Rusty: How can you have romantic relations with four girls at once??
Cousin 2: I don't understand you.
Rusty: What the hell do you think i'm saying. For your brain ... how can you hold the hands of 4 girls at one go with your two hands??
Cousin 2: ...... (stares at cieling dumbfounded)

That was a very frustrating time for me. I decided I won't get involved in having a conversation with any other of my cousins. So this is what happened with cousin 3:

Cousin 3: So you have any girlfriends?
Rusty: I'm gay.
Cousin 3: ............... (long silence)

(After a while)
Cousin 3: Have you seen the latest nokia phone?
Rusty: I dislke the concept of a mobile phone.
Cousni 3: ............... (long silence)

And that was the end of the conversation. And that was probably the best conversation I've had with any of my cousins so far this trip or ever i guess (apart from my two clsoe cousins in bombay).

Double 0 , 0 or triple 0

This afternoon I made an address list for my grandad on excel so that i could print it out and he could use it rather than the one he wrote in his shaky handwriting.

There was one number we came across - 25100032.

And he read it out to me as "two, five, one, double zero, zero, three, two."
Suren: "You mean 'triple zero' right?
Grandad: "No ... i mean double zero, zero."
Suren: "But thats triple zero."
Grandad: "No ... its against the rules."
Suren: "There are rules for naming numbers? ....."
Grandad: "Just write the number."

Note to Self

Remember to differentiate between capcicum and chili before putting it in your mouth. Your tongue is on limited life.

Old people should stay old

I say this with regards to a conversation i had yesterday with my grandad.

Its very cold in Delhi (compared to singapore at least). So i have to wear some warm clothes. Yesterday I wore a blue shirt with a sweater on top. Now i didn't tuck my shirt in so it was showing below my sweater. So this is my conversation with my grandad:

Grandad: "Is this the new style? To have your underclothes showing underneath your cardigan?"
Rusty: "No, I just don't believe in tucking in my shirt."
Grandad: "Oh you young people ... this style is called something. I can't remember the name."
Rusty: "I don't think it has a name."
Grandad (jumps up): "I KNOW!! I REMEMBER!! ITS CALLED A THONG!! YOU'RE WEARING A THONG!!"
Rusty: "........ I think that your underwear not undershirt...."

Then later:
Old dying uncle: "I like your clothes with the undershirt sticking out. It looks young."
Grandad: "Yes, these young people are into all these kinds of things. I don't think I'll ever learn to like thongs like Suren does."
Rusty: "ummm....."

Old people ... please stay old. You were young once, you had your chance. Don't spoil our fun now. Thank you. Go back to your walking sticks and fake teeth.

New blog

Now that I'm in college and have been for the last many months, I decided I should have a new blog. This blog is no different from my previous ones except that it is now focused towards my college friends and they will be able to understand some of the inside jokes and so on.

Rusty's memoirs contains no private information. Many people blog to cry or be emotional or whatever. If you cry or become emotional from looking at this i'm sorry. But its not from any of my stories. Oh and a lotta the stuff is made up. Enjoy it.